There's not a nice lead in paragraph today...I don't have time to make things pretty when so much of what I'm feeling is not. So...here we go.... I've happened across a few quotes in the course of the last week that have stuck with me. I've spent time with each of them & they are the impetuous for how I've been living the last few weeks.
1) "Angry gets shit done" - Anansi in "American Gods"
Lately, when I feel my anger arise I've used it to get shit done. I cleaned out my closet & donated a bunch of shit. I helped Matt clean his man cave. I have deep cleaned the bathrooms. I'm saving the kitchen & Max's room for a REALLY angry moment.
I am using my anger as a motivator to exercise more AND not make the excuse that I cannot because my hip flexor & shoulder are jacked up. Instead, I'm finding modifications to help me be active .. to focus my mind in a different direction.
My anger-fueled motivation has been phenomenal & has led to uncovering more hidden truths, buried secrets, and unsavory feelings. I've always viewed anger as a "bad" emotion - in myself & others. When it comes from others, it feels like a punishment. When it comes from me, it is unacceptable, shameful, an indication that I'm "bad", "rotten" or have no goodness within me. It’s as if I cannot allow myself to be human …. to FEEL what a human feels.
I had a moment the other day at the golf course in which I flipped out on an older white man. I believe he was trying to do a good thing but he was not communicating his actions to me & ended up yelling at me. I IMMEDIATELY yelled back at him to not yell at me ESPECIALLY since I had no idea what he was doing. He settled down instantly .. I did not. Oddly, I consider this interaction a win because while I DID lose my temper, I did not feel any regret, shame or guilt for FEELING my emotions.. and then, I let it go.
This was a huge breakthrough - I realized I can feel anger, express anger AND BE love, ACT in love, EXPRESS love, etc. I can FEEL anger...and not HOLD onto it. For real... fuck that guy... but, also, thank you man.
2) Brene Brown has a quote that goes something like this "Social media is a communication tool not a connection tool".
Shit yes...
I've been feeling LOST in this angry stage I’m navigating...lost in a way that I have not felt in years. The time I've spent scrolling through social media skyrocketed during the worst of these emotions. I would find myself scrolling and searching for SOMETHING. Maybe it was the "answer" ... maybe it was commiseration .. maybe it was connection.
Regardless, the only thing that happened during these times was my feeling of disconnection with MYSELF intensified...and I wasted a whole lot of time. Once I realized this I felt ashamed. And then angry at myself, angry that social media is even a thing...especially angry at the cycle I was caught in.
Thankfully, I’d developed a new skill...you know, turning my anger into motivation. “So, Randi? What are you going to do with this anger about social media & the way you use it? Only YOU can change this. Only YOU. So...what's it going to be?”
In the last few days I’ve allowed myself opportunities to check messages but very little scrolling. I’m satisfied with that -- and this shift has already lead to some significant ah-ha moments for me. First and foremost...both disheartening AND freeing, is that no one realizes if I’m there or not. I've been searching for connection in the number of likes I get, the number of Friends of Followers I have, messages I receive, etc. to validate my worth, prove I'm "productive", feel like I'm not alone in the swirling emotions of late… This is NOT the kind of connection I’m looking for. Unconsciously, unknowingly and unintentionally, my social media habits took the place of intentional living.
It’s time to redirect my focus back to living intentionally by offering love and kindness. To intentionally cleaning & organizing my house. Eating good, fresh, healthy meals...intentionally. To living each day intentionally taking small steps toward achieving large goals. To being intentionally present and available for the people I’m engaged with. To intentionally giving myself the time to know myself thoroughly & wholly. To just intentionally BEING and DOING.
So...yes, I’m still incredibly angry at times. While I don’t enjoy being in those moments, I am grateful for the anger. Grateful to just feel it … to not judge myself or the emotion .. and to be able to let it go. Grateful for the new ability to channel & direct the emotion into positive actions. Grateful that it is here .. in my face ..
To process grief & so many of the ugly emotions that come from this process
Pushing me to BE present
To make meaningful connections
To intentionally direct where my time is spent
To KNOW what is for my highest & best
A MILLION “thank yous” I say to this anger! Because, through this anger, freedom will be found. Peace will come.